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Vulpix.
21 years young.
a blog of memories and things to remember.

28.7.08
Honestly


I wish I'd never been born.

But at the same time...
I'm too afraid to die.

2 fat astronauts

you don't matter to me anymore

I wish people would stop fucking with my head.
If people haven't picked up on it yet, I'm rather sensitive.
So leave me the fuck alone
if you're just going to play with my thoughts and feelings. kthx.



I look to the future.
Treasure the past.
And live for the now.


trust me.

0 fat astronauts

26.7.08
We wanna stay the way we are


what's it feel like?
To live..
To breathe..
To dream..
for the person
you're head over heels in love with?

I wish I knew.
I know I'm 18 years young..
But so many people have by this age experienced something

I'm all out folks. No change in my pockets.
And it's not a pleasant feeling.

0 fat astronauts

24.7.08
baby's beauty wasn't mainstream

I'm more uncertain and unaware than a new born baby.
I seriously have no idea where I stand
And I have no idea what's happening anymore.
Does one persist with the complications?
Or take the easy way out and call it quits?
I'm not talking life here, folks. Just a situation.
whatdoido whatdoido whatdoido
omgggod.


1 fat astronauts

23.7.08
Excessive

It's time for a day-blog..otherwise known as an account of what occurred in my life today, the 23rd of August.
It began early this morning when I woke up insanely tired and not wishing to leave the warm comfort that was my bed. It got better however. I listened to 'Sesame Smeshame' on the way to school and that song always lifts my spirits. I don't even know why, but it does.
So...I get to school and toddle off to home group with Rusy and we talk about Wipeout, which I found out according to Georgia was a reality show in Japan in the 80's which would make sense to why it's so crazy.
Anyway...I had English language first up today. We sat in groups most of the lesson and thought up TOPICS FOR ESSAYS. It was seriously un-fun. And Thomas Ell seems to have a habit of saying things that relate to absolutely nothing and his remarks that are meant to be witty just aren't.
At Recess, I sat with Amy, Rusy, Yen and some other folk and we discussed poetry and literature, but not really. We talked about nothing in particular.
Wednesday recesses go forever on account I have a double spare in the middle of the day so I just hang around the VCE centre wishing I actually had something to do.
Today I wandered about a little bit. I sat with John Gatip for a little while, then went for a bit of a walk with Liz. I ended up back in the VCE centre however working on some Media plannage. Basically...that got old fast, so I started reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles which my Mama told me is a very sad story. I'm finding some of the language very hard to understand though because it's so olde. While I was reading it, I was interrupted by A. Hudson who threw in my direction the question "What's going on, Fletch?" I answered "Not much" to which he queried "How's life?" to which I replied "it's great i guess" To which he replied "...you look very pretty today" To which I replied "Um. Thankyou." To which started him telling me how awesome my eyes are. Believe me...this situation was awkward and to make matters worse I was embarrassed and blushing like the virgin Mary. bahah. Classic call.
It was strange that many people commented on my eyes today. Nobody has for a long time so I'd started to think they'd turned deathly boring or something. Yeppo.
ANYWHO. On to mathematiques.. I sat next to the lovely Georgianianianiania. Revised some trash that is merely invisible memory by now and wasted near half an hour on one stupid question because a) the teacher was ignoring my raised hand and b) it was fucking trigonometry.
We got out early so I got home a good hour before I had to go to work.
Oh oh..In maths I yawned so tiredly that my flipping contact fell out so I spent the rest of school time suffering from lop-sided vision.
But yeah. Work went slowly. And then mum was late picking me up because she 'forgot' I finished at 8pm so I had to wait in the cold an extra 20 minutes more than I should have. It was dreadful.
BUT THIS BASICALLY SUMS UP MY DAY.
I'm still yet to talk to my darlink friend, Corey about the dilemmas I have heard of but that will come with time.

THIS BLOG ENDS NAOOOW.
peace, sisters. x

0 fat astronauts

19.7.08
Curiosity

"..Sharing secrets turns to cruel gossip. Playing games turns to tormenting old friends. Holding hands turns to clenched fists. Scraped knee's turn to slit wrists. When did we turn on each other?.."



2 fat astronauts

17.7.08
Contribute to safekeeping

This is definitely a keeper..
Alex on Michael Jackson:

Alễx (S) bek <3>
howmuch ivory do u rekon he uses to make his nose?

Ah lordy..such classic lines.
Anyway...school this week has actually been pretty good. I haven't had a bad day yet. And it also hasn't completely torn away my slowly rising self esteem yet.
Whatever. I can't be bothered writing a blog. When I'm in a good mood, it's pointless.
CIAO. x




1 fat astronauts

15.7.08
You know who you are..

And this is for you.


3 fat astronauts

13.7.08
Rhiannon's A Slave for This.

26 Deep Questions (That could really tell you something)

1)What is more difficult for you; looking into some one's eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into some one's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

Obviously looking into someone's eyes when they are telling me how THEY feel, because that situation can be a lot more awkward than me telling them how I feel.


2) Think of the last time you were REALLY angry?
When the phone was being an absolute anus on Friday night. (i think it were Friday)

3) You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to call one person...who would it be?
My mother of course, because she would be the one who was the most worried. But do tell why they wouldn't attempt to land the plane firstly.


4) You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have cancer, Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?
No. Because then people would just treat me like i was fragile plus just because I have cancer doesn't mean I"m going to die. If however, it is fatal, I'd only tell my immediate family.

5) What do you do with your remaining days?

Everything I ever wanted to do, homer simpson-style.

6) Would you be afraid?
Yes. Very much so..but only because I'd miss the people I'd spent my life with. The whole death thing isn't that scary...it's just the missing and the thought of never seeing anyone again.


7) You can have one of the following two things: trust/love?
love of course.


8) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street.. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired, what do you do?
Life is more important than being sacked. So basically...save the doggie, get to work late, get fired, curse at the Boss a little while, get on with life.

9) Where would you want to go and live the rest of your life?
I'd love to live in France if I could speak the language well, but on account I can't, i've no idea.


10) Who's the last person who you knew that died?
My grandpa and a family friend..just last year.


11) Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
I haven't decided yet.

12) If one of your bestfriends cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend and you were friends with them too, would you tell them?
It'd be hard not to say anything. I guess eventually I'd come down to the whole: YOU TELL THEM. OR I WILL scenario.


13) Your best friend(s) dies, what would you do?
I'd be oh-so devastated. I think it'd take me almost 3 months to stop crying.

14) When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
Every damn day, baby.


15) What would be harder, for you to tell someone you love them or that you don't?
For me it's to tell someone I love them. I don't know why, but I find it so very difficult to say on account I don't want to be wrong.

16) Have you ever lied to someone about your feelings?
Yes.


17) Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
no idea.


18) If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had "no regrets" what would you change?

Something I said. Duh.

19) Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I don't really know how to, but certainly if the occasion called for it.

20) Are you old fashioned? ..
In ways that lead me to believe I'll never fit in with my generation.


21) Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved at all?
True love with a guarantee of a heart break. IT'S CALLED DETERMINATION.


22) If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would it be?
My close friends know or could figure it out. This is enough.


23) Think of everyone you know, would you prefer to only have ever met one of them or to lose them all but one?
only ever met one, because that's less painful. can't miss what you never had, eh?


24) Have you ever truly experienced love?
Not yet.


25) What hurts you the most emotionally, When you let yourself down or when you let the ones you care about down?
When I let down the ones I care about. People's opinions and feelings always mean more.

26) Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to?
Yes. A few someones.



1 fat astronauts

11.7.08
Repetition

I've been feeling so content with things today and so at peace with myself. (quite the opposite to my last blog actually)
I don't feel disfigured and I'm so very thankful towards the people who stand by me every day of my life. I guess it's just one of those days that I realize how lucky I am to have what I do.
For the people who I know I can count on when it matters the most: my family, Rhi, Corey, Yen, Matt, Amy, Vanessa. Because of all of you I feel I have a purpose.
For the things that bring a smile to my face: moments of manic laughter, the words "I love you", old photographs from lovely times, my baby, subtle reminders someone cares, rooms and areas lit only by candlelight, unexpected visitors, walks in the park, the list goes on..

I'm in love with the way my life is today besides the aspect of school and work, but even those are bearable.


I wrote a list of the songs I cherish the most at this present time of my life. The list is as follows:
  • Blackbird - The Beatles
  • Yellow Brick Road - Raine Maida
  • Old Man - Neil Young
  • Even If It Kills Me - Motion City Soundtrack
  • Stellar - Incubus
  • Carbon Monoxide - Regina Spektor
  • Earth Song - Michael Jackson
  • Fly - Nick Drake
  • Landslide - The Smashing Pumpkins

peace, sistuhz. x

2 fat astronauts

10.7.08
Irrelevance


I just want to be loved but it feels like I attract the opposite.
I try to be decent.
I try to be good.
But it gets me nowhere.
I"m so tired. Of everything.
So tired in fact, I feel giving up would win half the battle.
I'm sick of caring about things that are out of my control..
Sick of feeling responsible.

I wish I was nothing. I'm halfway there.

0 fat astronauts

9.7.08
Poem (not by me, but so beautiful)

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

0 fat astronauts

Quote (S.C)

"..We accept the love we think we deserve.."



0 fat astronauts

7.7.08
In the arms of a good friend


I saw the Orphanage (El Orfanato) the other night. It was extraordinary. My faith in Guillermo Del Toro's film skills/abilities lives on. He's bloody amaaazing.
The main master behind the entire thing however is Sergio G. Sanchez, who wrote the screenplay for it. It's such a beautifully, carefully set out story; one I wish I had the brains to think up.
I haven't seen an eery/unsettling movie such as this one since the Sixth Sense. Both are my most favourite ghost movies even if they freak me out. I think I'm afraid of ghosts more than anything in the entire world.

Less than a week of holidays and then it's back to school. So disappointing. I quite like avoiding life.

peace. x

1 fat astronauts

Believe to See

I really miss the closeness I felt to my friends back in year 9 and previous years before then.
I think as I've grown older I've developed some kind of isolation bubble around myself.
I wish I could be one of those chatty optimistic people who have absolutely everything going for them and use it to their full potential..
But my lousy outlooks and constant loneliness and emptiness steal away any slight motivation. I can't hardly see the positives in anything at the moment. Not even love; which I have forever and a day been in love with the idea of.
I'm stuck and I can't seem to find a way to pull myself out.



0 fat astronauts

4.7.08
swoop and flatten with that blunt axe

To be magical..


is to be beautifully extraordinary.

0 fat astronauts

3.7.08
Wishlist


  • The ability to mask emotions


  • The ability to perceive myself to be as lovely as 95% of the rest of the world.


  • The ability to fly

0 fat astronauts

2.7.08
Important:

Rule number one: Never rely on the interwebz. 90% of the time it's just a lie.

Rule number two: Don't believe the weather's perfect the day that you die.

Rule number three: Keep your options open. Don't fall head over heals in one particular direction.

Rule number four: Believe & hope til the day that you die; believe forever if it's possible.

Rule number five: Always have faith in the human race.

Rule number six: Be willing to share your beauty with others. Honesty and kindness really are incredible skills.


2 fat astronauts

1.7.08
the engine runs solely on love

I just got back from seeing The Band's Visit. It was a very cutesy movie; simple and sweet but a total gem as far as I'm concerned. To me, there were some definite Napoleon Dynamite style fragments within it; the silly innocent humour that makes me all smiley.
I think that foreign films are my favourite at the moment because they never ever disappoint.


I want to go camping so terribly lately. Seriously...nothing looks more inviting than a tent, 15 million layers of clothing, a campfire and 2 minute noodles. Add in the location sweeping close to the ocean and the freedom of being undisturbed for days and it'd be perfect.
And if I'm going to be particularly picky, bless me with the company of a particular individual I can share the brilliantness of the whole thing with.
Mmm...how I love to dream.

peace bbes. x

2 fat astronauts