let's go find a rainbow

12.9.09

rant - pretentious

Oh hello. Look at me. I'm all pretentious now for believing life to be more worthwhile if you live it real. Helping people across the other side of the world who have a whole heap less. Learning things that aren't necessary in day to day life that you can't experience at any moment in your life. Well I'm so terribly tragically sorry for being so goddamn pretentious and implying that researchers and people who work office jobs live lives that are far from worthwhile. Yes, you know what? I think I am far more fucking fantastic than any of these people. Bow down to me! Praise me! Reward me! I am superior! Everybody should think what i think. Everybody should be just like me and consider what i consider worthwhile to be the only correct choice.

I'm so amazing. Why can't you be like me? Why don't you do anything for the world? That's so selfish!

I haven't even done anything for the fucking world. Just want to. I'm nobody any better than the next person and I never will be. So I'm not fucking pretentious. I just have my own fucking opinions. I'm not forcing them down your throat or parading around that I am so fucking excellent. What I consider worthwhile doesn't make it correct and nor does it make people who don't do what I want to do in life any less spectacular. Get some fucking sense.

0 fat astronauts

8.9.09

be the cause .. fuck the cause

grudge
[gruhj] - noun
1. a feeling of ill will or esentment:
to hold a grudge against a former
opponent.

What's to gain from holding a grudge?

Time has told me nothing comes out of it except perhaps satisfaction that you have caused another person discomfort, if not isolated them from other people. Perhaps it eases the process of avoiding confrontation. Much easier to be mad and run than to say what you really want to say. It all comes down to the fact that by holding a grudge, nothing can be fixed. Although technically, the whole idea of the grudge in the first place is because fixing isn't what you're after. A grudge is based around the urge to permanently seperate yourself from either an acquintance or somebody you once cared about to save yourself. The origins may come from anger but the distance and the finale are comprised of a fear of confrontation and weakness.

It's all fucking bogus to me.

0 fat astronauts

Congo

0 fat astronauts

6.9.09

For the thrill of it

A mi me gusta anoche.

Considering I have been writing a Spanish composition all day, i thought it seemed fit that this blog beginning should signify the end of my completion of it. That out of the way, and in plain English, last night was fairly ace. I had to go to Kmart B'Wood with Tim to get Dad father's day stuff which was a bit of an adventure in itself on account it is pretty much impossible to figure out what he would like/need. I don't know if it's just my dad but it's a serious mission. We ended up getting him a whole bunch of pointless crap including a BBQ cleaner, TV remote holder and a stack of chocolate (all of which he had something to complain about this morning when we gave it all to him).

In any case, when we got home, I dressed and made myself pretty and I headed to Leah and Ben's housewarming party. It was an uber pleasant evening and I had a really good time just sitting about feeling a bit tipsy. As per the norm of alcohol-influenced Steph, I managed to have multiple conversations about video games, in particular pokemon. I think they say that your drunk-persona illustrates your true colours. If this is the case, I am a bigger gamer nerd than I originally thought. Hell, video games are my LIFE. But that's okay I guess. xD

Finalement, Safeway is shit and won't give me shifts hardly ever these days. 4 years down the drain. Those bastards. But I like it when my weekends leave me loving life and the people I share it with. <3

1 fat astronauts

4.9.09

turn on the radio to find you in satellite

Today consisted of sleeping until 1pm, waking up for approximately 3 hours with an aching headache and sleeping again from 4pm - 7pm.

The thrill of my life is so overwhelming sometimes I feel i might die. Seriously man, if I don't slow down I might undergo cardiac arrest from all the insane action that's crammed into my days. Ah, enough sarcasm.

Tomorrow should consist of Father's Day gift and 'Mad World' shopping, netball and I have the option of a party in the evening but I'm a bit anxious so whether I actually go will all depend on my levels of self-esteem. I probably should go. I haven't stepped out of my comfort zone or done anything self-decidingly social at all this week.

I wish: there were more digital moments of time when the numbers were all the same.

0 fat astronauts

3.9.09

good enough

You know that nauseating feeling that crawls around your belly and up your throat when you're expecting tears but they just won't come?

And that nauseating feeling continues to linger because it hasn't got anywhere to go until the thoughts that are causing it to happen disapparate from your head? Said nausea is paying me a visit right now.

There is nothing about today that has gone wrong. It's been as perfect as an ordinary day can get. I got to university on time, my tutorials were bearable if not entertaining, I walked into Burwood Safeway for 5 minutes and was given work for 4.30, I worked and wasn't bothered by it and I just spent the last while watching 3 episodes of Scrubs. But out of nowhere my mood has flipped 180 and the nauseating need to cry is overwhelming and the only reason I can suggest as to its unexpected arrival is that I miss everything.

*I miss feeling like people who aren't my family give a fuck. *I miss getting sad or getting happy or getting whatever just because someone i care about feels that way. *I miss being wanted in any sense of the word. *I miss the people and how they used to be. *I miss school simply because it was an excuse for everything. *I miss my passion for life. *I miss wanting to write, wanting to read, wanting to learn. *I miss being extremely affected by people and their bullshit. *I miss money-wasting outtings. *I miss the fights that never really mattered. *I miss being worth the time. *I miss history.

I can keep on pretending everything is fine, but it's absolute shit. I'm a people-person as much as I refuse to admit it. I'm reserved, so what? I'm awkward, so what? I'm weird, so what? I need people around me just as much as the next fucking person. I'm not strong at all, just good at the mask. Without concrete, I'm a stack of bricks waiting to fall.

2 fat astronauts

2.9.09

someday I'll find all the answers to life

Second day of spring and I'm flying.

Well.. flying high enough to not interact with any unstable or harmful obstacles but not so high I'm at risk of hitting a jet or running out of air. I could be at the space-cadet level though.. I'm not very sure on account I have been avoiding real life pretty hardcore this week.
Nothing has happened but I like this spring weather today and being able to sit in the sun with my dog to dry my hair and walking home from work in a good mood with a warm breeze. The sun makes the world prettier, that's fo' sho.

just quietly... friends
"there's no problem you can't win
someone who's always got your back
not caring about this and that"

0 fat astronauts