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29.7.09
speaking of impending doom...
Too many things this afternoon have made me a little bit wary and depressed over myself.
I know I'm not perfect and I have as many flaws as the next person and I know that people are unwilling to accept my decisions and what not, but can I not be given the blessing of honesty from the direct source? Or would it be possible for others to accept that my decisions are for me or simply a learning process?I dislike the way people focus only upon themselves most of the time and I dislike that I am hypocritical in saying so because I write a blog that is all focused upon me. I dislike that I am incapable of standing up for myself in the most important situations and I dislike that people can control my emotions. I dislike that I trust so easily and I dislike that I am not capable of realising I deserve better than what I am served.
'...Blurred I'm just another human being with chaos for a head. Now tear me open, tip me upside down and watch as my mind scatters. This mess is your words and your judgments cascading as a rainbow of my fears, my happiness and my misery.."
1 fat astronauts
A birthday wish
To/\/\ says (10:29 PM):
im cashed uppp
To/\/\ says (10:30 PM):
lets go to the cas and chapel
ill pay for a hooker
have sex with her
then murder her and feed her body to pigs
then ill take my money back and go to the roulette table and put all my money on black
thats how i roll
im cashed uppp
To/\/\ says (10:30 PM):
lets go to the cas and chapel
ill pay for a hooker
have sex with her
then murder her and feed her body to pigs
then ill take my money back and go to the roulette table and put all my money on black
thats how i roll
0 fat astronauts
28.7.09
love to win and hearts to steal
Currently: Dreaming I existed in the Middle Ages.
Reasoning: It is demonstrated as a place so much more real than the world of today. I don't even care if I happened to be a lowly peasant or that as a female I didn't have the right to an education/career/rights/etc. It would probably be amazing to exist in such a war, territorial, exploratory && romance driven society.
Stimulus: The Ancient Future Book 1 - The Dark Age by Traci Harding
Comment: 66 pages down, 10 x that to go. So far terribly difficult to put down.
Reasoning: It is demonstrated as a place so much more real than the world of today. I don't even care if I happened to be a lowly peasant or that as a female I didn't have the right to an education/career/rights/etc. It would probably be amazing to exist in such a war, territorial, exploratory && romance driven society.
Stimulus: The Ancient Future Book 1 - The Dark Age by Traci Harding
Comment: 66 pages down, 10 x that to go. So far terribly difficult to put down.
1 fat astronauts
27.7.09
Tracing the lines of my face for something more beautiful than is there
Individuals I know in my life can be: incapable of forming their own opinions, selfless and interested, the best kind of good, selfish and weak, enthusiastic, judgmental, hypocritical, needy, caring, kind, disappointing, intelligent, thoughtful and lastly... beautiful. I guess this is just human.
I haven't written a blog in two days, meaning I have neglected to keep to my plan of writing a blog every single day. I suppose I'll blame this lack-of-post on a fairly hectic weekend. My weekend consisted of a shared cousin/Grandma birthday dinner, shopping for jeans, netball, night out with Yen, breakfast outing, work and lack of sleep. After a full 12 hours last night, I'm still tired.
I'm already beginning to wish once again that I could meet and hold hands with a beautiful boy. I really thought I was over relationships and their complications but I guess not. Sweet hooks are all well and good for a short period of time but they don't have the wholesomeness and fulfillingness that relationships do. I suppose it's the most innocent affectionate moments that I really wish I could have; holding hands, late night text messages, impulsive outings and having somebody who cares about you 24/7 in a way that makes you feel like everything is at peace in your world. Hum ho... life can be so hard to accept sometimes.
0 fat astronauts
24.7.09
If I gave you something different, would you call it the same?
There is just so much sexual tension between Link and Ilia in Twilight Princess. Every scene of them together I expect them to attack each others mouths in a display of pent up love and emotion. Sort of. On a nerdier note, I'm so in awe of the game at the moment that I readjusted the tones on my phone to Zelda tunes / sound effects.
I hardly feel like I've been at uni this week and in a way i haven't. I have a pretty heavily loaded Monday but besides that, I have Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday and Friday free of classes. Not too shabby at all. Yesterday I had my first philosophy tutorial and i question the futures of everybody within that class who said they want to major in philosophy. By this I mean, what on earth can you actually do with a major in philosophy? i'm sure there are a couple of things but it just seems a waste of time when you can be philosophical without a degree for it. I don't know really.
I'm a bit tired currently and also have a bit of a yearning to get out of the house because besides uni and a family dinner tonight I've been keeping within these walls. I suppose I miss my friends a heap because I see them less and less and due to my anti-social form in university, it can be very lonely at times. Get to see Yen tomorrow though. Heck yes! :)
0 fat astronauts
23.7.09
That word big is so small
What's Eating Gilbert Grape.
Summary: wow.
Comment: I could watch this film a thousand times over and fall in love with it as heavily as I did at the age of eleven every single time.
Summary: wow.
Comment: I could watch this film a thousand times over and fall in love with it as heavily as I did at the age of eleven every single time.
1 fat astronauts
22.7.09
current emotion
0 fat astronauts
21.7.09
apologetically dressed in the best
Day 2 of second semester for uni. I've decided I am going to attempt to write a blog a day, even if it's just a random quote or a picture or anything that vaguely represents what is going through my head.
I ditched uni after Spanish today because I was absolutely exhausted and felt a little bit lost. Officially 3 lectures I now have to catch up on. I left feeling infinite times better than I did Monday though which is slightly promising I suppose and I didn't get emotional listening to music on the bus on the way home which is also pretty swell. The weather lately is fairly irrational. The sun is so much like Summer sun but the wind seems to be battling to be the omnipotent weather force of the moment. I have a love-hate relationship with the wind. It loves me but I hate it. It loves to feed me hair and I'm not actually very fond of the taste of hair. Hence the love-hate relationship.
I don't know whether it is just tiredness but i've felt so meaningless and lonely these past few days. Nothing really exists in my life right now that holds my feet firmly to the ground. If my thoughts overruled the matter of my body, I think I would totally float away. But then again, the heavy dullness that echoes around my skull is probably what it weighing me down. I'm fixated on creating tacky models out of air-dry clay, reading sci-fi or philosophical books and sitting in a dazed stupor on my bed unaware of the precious minutes of my life that are ticking by. Life is boring. But so am I.
I don't know whether it is just tiredness but i've felt so meaningless and lonely these past few days. Nothing really exists in my life right now that holds my feet firmly to the ground. If my thoughts overruled the matter of my body, I think I would totally float away. But then again, the heavy dullness that echoes around my skull is probably what it weighing me down. I'm fixated on creating tacky models out of air-dry clay, reading sci-fi or philosophical books and sitting in a dazed stupor on my bed unaware of the precious minutes of my life that are ticking by. Life is boring. But so am I.
0 fat astronauts
20.7.09
like knives, your words can cut me through
I detest that on returning to educational institutions, they manage to drain me of the slight self-confidence I develop while away from them.
Back attending lectures and tutorials I find myself believing again that I am not very smart at all. I get intimidated by the know-it-alls and I get intimidated by the naturally smart people and I even get intimidated by the people who can talk in class without blushing or being unable to answer. My day was alright until I had tutorials and was confronted with my social inadequacies as seems the norm these days whenever I am surrounded by strangers. I desperately want to be comfortable with who I am and the conversations that leave my tongue but for some reason I can't do that lately. I don't know how to overcome the fear I have of being judged for what I say. I should probably actually clarify this. I can rattle off conversation endlessly to a small number of people in a vast environment but as soon as that small number increases by a small percent, or I have to converse in a confined space, I could technically be classified as mute. I totally can't figure out what to do to fix it anymore. The simplest, most tiny comments that make me feel like a nunce are completely tearing my confidence to shit. A phrase such as "What are you even saying?" has the ability to corrupt how I view myself. Further still, even just somebody looking at me too intently when I speak causes me to blush and feel like disappearing.Ugh. It's so disappointing that a bad day at uni can have me wishing for a different existence. I'm just so exhausted from thoughts that I am inadequate in comparison with the majority of the world. I want these thoughts to diiie, but I'm yet to figure out how to knife the bastards.
Anyway.. en fin, I finally finished reading What Dreams May Come and in a twisted, perhaps sadistic kind of way, it gives a somewhat strange and calming, if not beautiful, interpretation of life after death. Amy, if you haven't already, I really want you to read it because I think it is the kind of book you would enjoy. The end.
1 fat astronauts
18.7.09
How can we resolve this now?
The last few days have been fairly eventful. && funnily enough for the first time in a long while, I've had a set of consecutive days where drama hasn't struck.
After 3 and a half years of avoiding doing so, I went and took my L's test on Wednesday and passed it with a hundred percent. It was far easier than I expected and now I'm very excited to be able to use a card for ID rather than my rather tatty passport. :)
At around 630, Leah asked me if I'd like to go with her to some house party of a guy from her year level at school, Sam. I went along because I was in a very good mood and I'm very glad I did because I had a lovely time. I saw Ben, Alex, Lavanya and Frenchie there as well as lots of other people from back in the day and it was just super nice to listen to different conversations and talk to and watch people I normally have nothing to do with or have never even met. I got home at 2am on the 3rd last tram of the night with icicles for legs but it was awesome.
0 fat astronauts
15.7.09
kneel down and obey
Can nobody keep a secret anymore?
1 fat astronauts
14.7.09
Cast your cares away
I am who I am only at this moment in time; my past does not hang from my shoulders and my future is indefinable and so cannot be a concern
1 fat astronauts
13.7.09
my home life is unsatisfying
why do people always have to fight? By this I mean not just arguments but full blown hate wars. Whether it be the insignificant ones such as making a mistake that affects somebody close to their heart or more significant ones such as land and power-grabbing, it makes me sad to know that humanity will never live in peace. It is as though we live our lives with the intention to be destructive and steer clear of true happiness though we tell ourselves otherwise. I don't think I want to fight unreasonably anymore. I will just
fight
for your (or my) right
to party!
to party!
1 fat astronauts
9.7.09
we measured our lives in coffee spoons
[And we were young; we thought we had superpowers
We kissed the sky, expanded our minds, thought we could fly
We were dreamers, and we'd never die
We were young punks but we showed potential
Us against the world, we weren't sentimental
We weren't our problems, our age or our paychecks
And we weren't taking anybody's shit
If I knew now what I knew then, I'd
Back up do it all again, I'd
Take a bow, take it real slow]
We kissed the sky, expanded our minds, thought we could fly
We were dreamers, and we'd never die
We were young punks but we showed potential
Us against the world, we weren't sentimental
We weren't our problems, our age or our paychecks
And we weren't taking anybody's shit
If I knew now what I knew then, I'd
Back up do it all again, I'd
Take a bow, take it real slow]
0 fat astronauts
8.7.09
time that sifts like sand through my hand
oh how I love when the time is all the one number. At the moment it is 1.11. I know it isn't as lucky as 11.11 but it is a charming time all the same.
I had a super lovely day with Yen and Rhi yesterday. I met Rhi at Camberwell and we went to ANZ so she could get her money for her AC/DC ticket and then we headed to Box Hill. Ticketmaster is not located right outside the station, as Yen had me believe, so we had to wander down to the seperate section of the Centro to get Rhi's ticket. It's so exciting once you have tickets for something. Mine came in the mail today. Yen decided to run away from where I said she should wait and I managed to lose Rhi and then waiting in front of Box Hill station, she made an appearance with Yen and they thought they'd be sneaky devils and hide from me making lots of noise behind an almost transparent calendar stand. Clever.
In any case, we caught a bus to Greensborough Savers and met a friendly ticket inspector who we had a good chat with like a couple of old folk. At Savers, we acted like 15 year olds, threw on horrific dresses and took photos in one of the tiny change cubicles and then Yen bought herself 4 pairs of shoes while Rhi almost went into extreme indecision meltdown due to having to choose whether to buy a saucepan or not. We had lunch at 4pm and after, thinking we were still hungry ran to the nearest supermarket for chocolate only to discover that after a few squares, it was too rich and filling to bear. At the train station, we went our seperate ways and I met mum at Camberwell to go to Borders for a birthday present. I should never have money in my bank account because I splurged on magazines without any reason.
Today all I did was wake up and begin my new health regime while watching daytime TV. Sometimes I think that daytime television is far more entertaining than the soaps and drama that they have on at night time. But the most important thing out of all this TV watching today is that I <3 THIS SHOW SO SO MUCH
1 fat astronauts
5.7.09
I wanna know that this could be my fate
I'm so excited!!! I get to see these bad boys in February next year. They are literally amazing && I can't wait to jump around crazy with two friends and a whole bunch of strangers to ACDC. <3 Bank account is down $300 dollars since yesterday thanks to lovely lovely music.
The weekend is over which leaves me to two weeks before uni goes back. I don't think it will be as much of a drag this semester because I know what I'm in for and I also don't have to go on wednesdays (hopefully) and fridays. In any case... I went to John's Obama-que yesterday but it was a little bit cold and there weren't as many people as I'd expected to show up and it kept drizzling but it was very good to see John Gatip and a few other people after such a long time. However I ended up feeling a bit sad because I don't really like it when I talk and people make me feel like I'm ultra weird which is what happened. Oh well.
Tomorrow I get to go on an adventure with Rhiann0n to get money and some other things and I might try and convince her to come to some Op shops so I can try and find a pretty black dress and maybe a nice pair of brown leather ankle boots for cheap.
Currently I'm reading 'What Dreams May Come' and it's a marvellous book that I'd so far suggest to anybody. I decided to read it after both Matt and Yen told me that the movie was spectacular so my plan is to finish the novel and then see the film.
to finish, a little Alex quote: Remember, you are loved.
2 fat astronauts
3.7.09
discoveries through isolation
Winter is here weatherly-wise. I have come to this conclusion as it's at the point where nylon stockings cannot protect from the bitter wind, so I have to wear thick cotton or wool ones if I decide that it is a skirt day. I really like it when it rains but I've decided I miss seeing the sun in its full blown summer glory even though it's only been winter for a very short time.
I haven't been living much lately. Well, not to a memorable extent. I only finished my exams for the semester on Tuesday and have been sleeping away the days since then. I wake up in the afternoon and don't fall asleep until early early morning. This is a personal choice however. I am trying to gain back my happiness and self-belief. All i do is crawl out of bed and watch episodes of Goosebumps, which I adore, and then just potter around the house doing nothing except shop/browse for things online and play games with mis mascotas. I got some really epic stockings doing the whole online-shop thing on Tuesday. I'm very excited for the tie-dye pair. :]
Today I went shopping with my brother ( a bad idea during winter school holidays). In the short time we were there to get his last minute things for New Zealand, I heard 5 different stores playing Michael Jackson. As amazing as his music is, I think it's lame that it takes his death for shops to start playing its goodness in place of their ratty tekkers. I was disappointed as well because my search for the dvd Young@heart continues. Places only seem to have the CD.
In relation to the future:
- John's Organza BBQ is on tomorrow. I hope that it doesn't rain but it will be very good to see so many people from school again. I'm meeting Rhi and then we are heading there. I'm contemplating the red, white and blue theme but most of my brightly coloured clothes are summer ones so it'll be a tad cold.
- I am going to Parklife with Leah in October. I'm excited about it but not as excited as Leah is. I think she is so excited for it that she would free a million balloons into the universe to illustrate the excitement. We are going to rock out with our hypothetical cocks out.
0 fat astronauts