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Vulpix.
21 years young.
a blog of memories and things to remember.
20.7.09
like knives, your words can cut me through


I detest that on returning to educational institutions, they manage to drain me of the slight self-confidence I develop while away from them.
Back attending lectures and tutorials I find myself believing again that I am not very smart at all. I get intimidated by the know-it-alls and I get intimidated by the naturally smart people and I even get intimidated by the people who can talk in class without blushing or being unable to answer. My day was alright until I had tutorials and was confronted with my social inadequacies as seems the norm these days whenever I am surrounded by strangers. I desperately want to be comfortable with who I am and the conversations that leave my tongue but for some reason I can't do that lately. I don't know how to overcome the fear I have of being judged for what I say. I should probably actually clarify this. I can rattle off conversation endlessly to a small number of people in a vast environment but as soon as that small number increases by a small percent, or I have to converse in a confined space, I could technically be classified as mute. I totally can't figure out what to do to fix it anymore. The simplest, most tiny comments that make me feel like a nunce are completely tearing my confidence to shit. A phrase such as "What are you even saying?" has the ability to corrupt how I view myself. Further still, even just somebody looking at me too intently when I speak causes me to blush and feel like disappearing.

Ugh. It's so disappointing that a bad day at uni can have me wishing for a different existence. I'm just so exhausted from thoughts that I am inadequate in comparison with the majority of the world. I want these thoughts to diiie, but I'm yet to figure out how to knife the bastards.

Anyway.. en fin, I finally finished reading What Dreams May Come and in a twisted, perhaps sadistic kind of way, it gives a somewhat strange and calming, if not beautiful, interpretation of life after death. Amy, if you haven't already, I really want you to read it because I think it is the kind of book you would enjoy. The end.

1 fat astronauts