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31.3.08
Little Less Confusion
Why do people have blogs if they don't want people reading them? Well. I suppose I know a few people who have anonymous blogs because they don't want people to know who they are; but they don't mention people or who they, themselves, really are. So I don't get it.
People are curious. They're gonna want to get inside your head. That's what a blog is. A way to see inside another person's noggin. Ah whatever. hah
I did what I hoped I would never have to do. I broke up with the boy via email. I'm full gonna hate on myself over it for ever basically. I guess I pretty much took the opportunity though. He totally knew I was avoiding his emails and whatnot, so I pretty much answered his Are you ok? question with a "year 12 is stressful. I can't deal with a boyfriend right now" sort of thing. I feel a little lighter now though, I must admit.
I want to go to blockbuster to rent some horror/thriller movies because I'm hungry for them lately. Bring on the gore, creepiness and scrreams. I don't think I could watch them on my own though because without anybody else, I start to think men with axes are behind curtains and all that shizziz. Eep factor 9000.
I finally started on my homework. So now I don't feel like I'm not going to be able to finish it before school starts. School is such a drain. Thumbs down to whoever decided that 13 years of school should end in 3 terms, with one score that is meaningful in our lives for just 2 months.
adios. x
People are curious. They're gonna want to get inside your head. That's what a blog is. A way to see inside another person's noggin. Ah whatever. hah
I did what I hoped I would never have to do. I broke up with the boy via email. I'm full gonna hate on myself over it for ever basically. I guess I pretty much took the opportunity though. He totally knew I was avoiding his emails and whatnot, so I pretty much answered his Are you ok? question with a "year 12 is stressful. I can't deal with a boyfriend right now" sort of thing. I feel a little lighter now though, I must admit.
I want to go to blockbuster to rent some horror/thriller movies because I'm hungry for them lately. Bring on the gore, creepiness and scrreams. I don't think I could watch them on my own though because without anybody else, I start to think men with axes are behind curtains and all that shizziz. Eep factor 9000.
I finally started on my homework. So now I don't feel like I'm not going to be able to finish it before school starts. School is such a drain. Thumbs down to whoever decided that 13 years of school should end in 3 terms, with one score that is meaningful in our lives for just 2 months.
adios. x
3 fat astronauts
27.3.08
Thursdee
I'm feeling lighter mood-wise for once.
The only complication I'm feeling right now is the complicatedness (probably complicated only because of my chaotic mind) of needing to break it off with the Boy but being unable to on account he's so very far away and online/message break ups are totally scummy. To make matters worse, when I signed in before, he started IMing me and the things he says just make me so incredibly guilt-ridden. It's terrible.
ANYWAY...
I've been doing nothing these holidays pretty much. Liiike...I haven't touched my simple pile of homework yet, except for finally getting around to reading the Kite Runner, which as good as it is, isn't the best book I've ever read and nor did it make me cry. I can't believe this upcoming term is basically our 2nd last one of school. As much as I'm incredibly joyous about that fact, I'm also afraid of what'll be after school is over. Ah well, what'll be shall be.
Nothing more to say. Gooone, "bitches" as Cal would say.
The only complication I'm feeling right now is the complicatedness (probably complicated only because of my chaotic mind) of needing to break it off with the Boy but being unable to on account he's so very far away and online/message break ups are totally scummy. To make matters worse, when I signed in before, he started IMing me and the things he says just make me so incredibly guilt-ridden. It's terrible.
ANYWAY...
I've been doing nothing these holidays pretty much. Liiike...I haven't touched my simple pile of homework yet, except for finally getting around to reading the Kite Runner, which as good as it is, isn't the best book I've ever read and nor did it make me cry. I can't believe this upcoming term is basically our 2nd last one of school. As much as I'm incredibly joyous about that fact, I'm also afraid of what'll be after school is over. Ah well, what'll be shall be.
Nothing more to say. Gooone, "bitches" as Cal would say.
1 fat astronauts
25.3.08
Why won't He let us be happy?
Yet another miserable evening. Not truly miserable I suppose, but enough to make me not wish to get out of bed for another day.
Although...it did rain tonight. But instead of the usual cleansing relief I feel when I normally stand or walk through the rain, I feel nothing but unhappiness and somewhat as though the rain has meddled with my thoughts and swirled them all about so that I can no longer comprehend what they truly are and what they truly mean.
I'm so over feeling hurt. So sick of people taking the easy way out when dealing with emotions. Like...since when did it become okay for people to simply start acting all cozy with somebody else to avoid the fact that you happen to have feelings for them (That you want to rid yourself of, but can't) and they're afraid? And when was it okay to throw somebody's mistake right back up in their face? And also...who the fuck decided that love was a good thing? Hell, which absolute nutter said that life was a thing of happiness. I know for sure that lately I feel nothing but the opposite. Confused, hurt, lonely..you name it. I feel it.
I can't talk my feelings out loud; just merely typing them is a struggle. It seems the only way I'm finding a way to get them out of my system is by creating lines inside my head that turn the full blow of them to a more subtle bearable one.
i feel so so trapped. incapable of pulling myself out of the disaster that is my life.
idon'tknow what to do anymore. seriously.
Although...it did rain tonight. But instead of the usual cleansing relief I feel when I normally stand or walk through the rain, I feel nothing but unhappiness and somewhat as though the rain has meddled with my thoughts and swirled them all about so that I can no longer comprehend what they truly are and what they truly mean.
I'm so over feeling hurt. So sick of people taking the easy way out when dealing with emotions. Like...since when did it become okay for people to simply start acting all cozy with somebody else to avoid the fact that you happen to have feelings for them (That you want to rid yourself of, but can't) and they're afraid? And when was it okay to throw somebody's mistake right back up in their face? And also...who the fuck decided that love was a good thing? Hell, which absolute nutter said that life was a thing of happiness. I know for sure that lately I feel nothing but the opposite. Confused, hurt, lonely..you name it. I feel it.
I can't talk my feelings out loud; just merely typing them is a struggle. It seems the only way I'm finding a way to get them out of my system is by creating lines inside my head that turn the full blow of them to a more subtle bearable one.
i feel so so trapped. incapable of pulling myself out of the disaster that is my life.
idon'tknow what to do anymore. seriously.
0 fat astronauts
21.3.08
I want to disappear please.
0 fat astronauts
Are you listening?
I don't know the last time I laughed fully.
As in...the kind of uncontrollable laugh, where your entire body is enveloped in the happiness of the laugh. I know that I sniffle-laugh, and smile and laugh artificially, but I hardly ever laugh properly.
I was working last night, and I remembered back to year 5 or 6 camp where Cassie and myself laughed so hard our stomachs hurt and to continue laughing hurt even more. I miss those days of laughter. I don't know whether you lose that ability to laugh as much as that as you get older, or whether high school's just torn that away from me. I miss the days where I could wake up and believe that everything in the world was brilliant and exciting. I also miss the days when I could pretend I was sick to get out of school because it didn't even matter whether I was there or not.
It seems as though year 12 is crushing everybody's spirit. No matter who I talk to.. they're all suffering from its tightly wrapped claws. It wants to consume us, but to be honest, I'm going to get through this shit whether it likes it or not.
It makes me so sad how everybody isn't coping so well and that due to that, everybody is too busy helping themselves to help anybody else. I want to help a particular someone because I know he's suffering far worse than me, but I can't think of the words to say to make him feel better. He's happy enough on the outside, but I'm fairly sure it's hurting him oh-so terribly on the inside. We're only a quarter of the way through the year and everybody's hurting..
3 things that have been getting to me terribly lately are:
As in...the kind of uncontrollable laugh, where your entire body is enveloped in the happiness of the laugh. I know that I sniffle-laugh, and smile and laugh artificially, but I hardly ever laugh properly.
I was working last night, and I remembered back to year 5 or 6 camp where Cassie and myself laughed so hard our stomachs hurt and to continue laughing hurt even more. I miss those days of laughter. I don't know whether you lose that ability to laugh as much as that as you get older, or whether high school's just torn that away from me. I miss the days where I could wake up and believe that everything in the world was brilliant and exciting. I also miss the days when I could pretend I was sick to get out of school because it didn't even matter whether I was there or not.
It seems as though year 12 is crushing everybody's spirit. No matter who I talk to.. they're all suffering from its tightly wrapped claws. It wants to consume us, but to be honest, I'm going to get through this shit whether it likes it or not.
It makes me so sad how everybody isn't coping so well and that due to that, everybody is too busy helping themselves to help anybody else. I want to help a particular someone because I know he's suffering far worse than me, but I can't think of the words to say to make him feel better. He's happy enough on the outside, but I'm fairly sure it's hurting him oh-so terribly on the inside. We're only a quarter of the way through the year and everybody's hurting..
3 things that have been getting to me terribly lately are:
- People believing that others are better or worse than them. You've got to face the fact that everybody is in this (life) together, so it totally is NOT going to help if you continue to moan and bitch about other people. So what that they're prettier/smarter/wittier/etc? You've got a better quality about you that they don't have so stfu. thx. There are so many more important things to think about.
- Pet names lovers have for one another. I'm cool with you calling each other those pet names away from the rest of the world, but seriously..I don't need to hear how much you love your "snuggle-love-muffin-face" alll the freakin' time. This is especially with myspace. Note the MY, dude. It's SINGULAR. not PLURAL. Not OURspace.
- My struggle to be able to talk. Somedays it feels like my tongue is gone and I'm incapable of saying a word. It's so irritating.
Anyway. This is one selfishly negative blog.
sorry that, for those of you who DID read it, read it.
x
1 fat astronauts
18.3.08
a permanent kiss
I'm officially 18, as of two days ago. I feel no different, but all of a sudden I'm classified as an adult; something i don't really all that much want to be.
I have this raging headache at this very moment. It feels like my skull is trying to crush my brain. I took a pandol nearly an hour ago but it still hasn't worked. Way to invent pills that don't remove paaain, foooools.
Today I spent basically an hour at school before going to the city to look at the short films of the Year 12 media folk last year. Some of them really leave me bewildered as to why they were chosen as one of the top especially this one film, where it was nothing but a guy buying a metcard. Perhaps aimed to be an arthouse? Whatever the case, laaaame. haha
So very very near to the end of first term. I caaaan't wait. So very very exciting is the prospect of sleeping in, staying out late and not having to worry about much school-ness.
When this year is over, I shall be the happiest, most lucky person in the world. Or I believe so anyway.
In other news...I'd totally forgotten how much crushes can fuck with your emotions. I like it better when I feel nothing more than friendship feelings for another person. The bigger feelings make everything a total mess. whatever. hah
x
I have this raging headache at this very moment. It feels like my skull is trying to crush my brain. I took a pandol nearly an hour ago but it still hasn't worked. Way to invent pills that don't remove paaain, foooools.
Today I spent basically an hour at school before going to the city to look at the short films of the Year 12 media folk last year. Some of them really leave me bewildered as to why they were chosen as one of the top especially this one film, where it was nothing but a guy buying a metcard. Perhaps aimed to be an arthouse? Whatever the case, laaaame. haha
So very very near to the end of first term. I caaaan't wait. So very very exciting is the prospect of sleeping in, staying out late and not having to worry about much school-ness.
When this year is over, I shall be the happiest, most lucky person in the world. Or I believe so anyway.
In other news...I'd totally forgotten how much crushes can fuck with your emotions. I like it better when I feel nothing more than friendship feelings for another person. The bigger feelings make everything a total mess. whatever. hah
x
1 fat astronauts
15.3.08
Friday/Saturday Morning
I don't like that humans have the ability to think so hard about things.
I wish I couldn't think at all.
It'd be bliss.
I feel unhappy. And I want to talk to somebody.
The only two people I can speak to right now who I feel would understand are sleeping and out living. So liiike...I'm not going to bring them down.
life is so much like rain.
It falls, and the sun pulls parts of it back up again and then it falls again.
If only it were more like a never ending escalator stuck on upwards.
end.
I wish I couldn't think at all.
It'd be bliss.
I feel unhappy. And I want to talk to somebody.
The only two people I can speak to right now who I feel would understand are sleeping and out living. So liiike...I'm not going to bring them down.
life is so much like rain.
It falls, and the sun pulls parts of it back up again and then it falls again.
If only it were more like a never ending escalator stuck on upwards.
end.
0 fat astronauts
12.3.08
Thinking...
"..If beauty didn't matter, everything would be possible.."
0 fat astronauts
Wednesday
I wonder if it's possible to get motion sickness from your own thoughts.
They spin, they twist, they collide...like a car crash where the speeds of the cars are so high if you were to watch they'd be nothing but a blur. Yet, still I survive...how does that even figure?
There's so much emotion and complicated/unreadable feelings going on in my head right now that I swear soon enough I just won't be able to take it anymore. Already they've built up to such an extent that my eyes are leaking the lava that's startled to trickle from the overcrowding of the zillion thoughts I can't seem to make sense of.
I don't know who to love and who not to love, who to trust, who to believe, what to believe, hell, even if I can believe. I don't know how to cope, how to think, how to fight, how to talk..i don't know what to choose, and I sure as hell don't know who to ask for advice
Because basically? People aren't interested in hearing out somebody with so many thoughts. I try to speak to people but it's just too difficult for them to understand what I'm trying to say. Even my own mother just thinks I need an attitude adjustment and that I need to start being happier. It really makes me wonder though.. how I'm supposed to be happy on the outside when I struggle to be happy on the inside. I'm not the kind of person who can just put on a mask and pretend that everything going on in my mind is a-ok.
I miss the times when I didn't have so many complications and things to confuse me. I like it when life is simple and I can interpret everything. Not understanding drives me insane.
But whatever, eh? I'm totally not the first person to feel this way so i have to just sort through all the fog clogging my brain and sort things out myself. End.
They spin, they twist, they collide...like a car crash where the speeds of the cars are so high if you were to watch they'd be nothing but a blur. Yet, still I survive...how does that even figure?
There's so much emotion and complicated/unreadable feelings going on in my head right now that I swear soon enough I just won't be able to take it anymore. Already they've built up to such an extent that my eyes are leaking the lava that's startled to trickle from the overcrowding of the zillion thoughts I can't seem to make sense of.
I don't know who to love and who not to love, who to trust, who to believe, what to believe, hell, even if I can believe. I don't know how to cope, how to think, how to fight, how to talk..i don't know what to choose, and I sure as hell don't know who to ask for advice
Because basically? People aren't interested in hearing out somebody with so many thoughts. I try to speak to people but it's just too difficult for them to understand what I'm trying to say. Even my own mother just thinks I need an attitude adjustment and that I need to start being happier. It really makes me wonder though.. how I'm supposed to be happy on the outside when I struggle to be happy on the inside. I'm not the kind of person who can just put on a mask and pretend that everything going on in my mind is a-ok.
I miss the times when I didn't have so many complications and things to confuse me. I like it when life is simple and I can interpret everything. Not understanding drives me insane.
But whatever, eh? I'm totally not the first person to feel this way so i have to just sort through all the fog clogging my brain and sort things out myself. End.
1 fat astronauts
6.3.08
Thursday
I'm SO flippin' tired!!
I think the fact that I have a cold isn't really helping oxygen get to my brain, thus making me tired. Today my reaction to things people were saying was about 5billion times slower than normal. Not good...not good at all.
Lunch today at school was superbly boring. Thanks to Geography camp and other various events, there was only just me, Alex and Amy there. I had to put up with Alex drumming away on the table for most of it which was extremely tedious and put me on the borderline between sane and INSane.
I have like, nothing to type today..so here is a quote that made me laugh this afternoon
"Sir..will you PLEASE stop staring at me?"
"Where's the rest of ya?"
Ciao. x
I think the fact that I have a cold isn't really helping oxygen get to my brain, thus making me tired. Today my reaction to things people were saying was about 5billion times slower than normal. Not good...not good at all.
Lunch today at school was superbly boring. Thanks to Geography camp and other various events, there was only just me, Alex and Amy there. I had to put up with Alex drumming away on the table for most of it which was extremely tedious and put me on the borderline between sane and INSane.
I have like, nothing to type today..so here is a quote that made me laugh this afternoon
"Sir..will you PLEASE stop staring at me?"
"Where's the rest of ya?"
Ciao. x
0 fat astronauts
4.3.08
Tuesday
I realised I really can't stand it when I can't diguise my emotions and feelings.
Liiike..I totally detest when people say how I'm feeling or whatever is very obvious. It makes me feel like I'm failing at staying strong or something. And it totally kills my mood and makes me feel like the most pathetic human being on the planet.
I've no idea why, it just happens.
A perfect example is my feelings for a particular somebody. I thought I kept them disguised reasonably well, but I seem to be failing lately. Michael was telling me how obvious I am about it, and I was just like "Dude. I am so unbelieably hopeless at everything"
When one little bad thing in my life occurs lately, I feel like I'm terrible at everything. It's tragic.
Anyway. I totally broke my whole thing of not going on the internet for as long as possible, but I really needed to check my emails and I had to check that Regan was going okay.
I wish I could talk on the phone, and I wish overseas calls were cheaper because that would make life so much easier.
No school tomorrow..so I can sleep and perhaps feel better about some things.
Au Revoir. x
Liiike..I totally detest when people say how I'm feeling or whatever is very obvious. It makes me feel like I'm failing at staying strong or something. And it totally kills my mood and makes me feel like the most pathetic human being on the planet.
I've no idea why, it just happens.
A perfect example is my feelings for a particular somebody. I thought I kept them disguised reasonably well, but I seem to be failing lately. Michael was telling me how obvious I am about it, and I was just like "Dude. I am so unbelieably hopeless at everything"
When one little bad thing in my life occurs lately, I feel like I'm terrible at everything. It's tragic.
Anyway. I totally broke my whole thing of not going on the internet for as long as possible, but I really needed to check my emails and I had to check that Regan was going okay.
I wish I could talk on the phone, and I wish overseas calls were cheaper because that would make life so much easier.
No school tomorrow..so I can sleep and perhaps feel better about some things.
Au Revoir. x
1 fat astronauts
1.3.08
Early Early Saturday
So I just unintentionally fucked over one of the most important people in my life.
And I have never felt this low.
I don't get why people have to be able to feel this way...when it's one of the worst feelings in the world. Each and every day...I seem to constantly upset people. Whether I get them mad, or upset..it just happens. Without my even trying.
All I do is try to please people most of the time, but with that..somebody else is getting hurt. I hate that I can't make everybody happy. It just tears me up inside.
If everybody I loved could be happy if I was miserable as fuck, I think I'd want things to be that way. I don't really deserve happiness anyway..I had it for around 14 years of my life so I've had my fair share it's certain.
sdjfnksdjfn. I'm so terrible at existing. Seriously.
And I have never felt this low.
I don't get why people have to be able to feel this way...when it's one of the worst feelings in the world. Each and every day...I seem to constantly upset people. Whether I get them mad, or upset..it just happens. Without my even trying.
All I do is try to please people most of the time, but with that..somebody else is getting hurt. I hate that I can't make everybody happy. It just tears me up inside.
If everybody I loved could be happy if I was miserable as fuck, I think I'd want things to be that way. I don't really deserve happiness anyway..I had it for around 14 years of my life so I've had my fair share it's certain.
sdjfnksdjfn. I'm so terrible at existing. Seriously.
2 fat astronauts