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Vulpix.
21 years young.
a blog of memories and things to remember.
29.11.08
what the fuck


What is genuine long-lasting happiness? Because I seem to have either misplaced or lost the memory of what that is altogether.
Maybe my insecurities get the better of me and kill anything close to that a short time after I feel anything that could slightly resemble being truly happy.
I'm sick of thinking too much and having it bring me down. I'm sick of feeling out of place. I'm sick of feeling like I have no future with anyone or anything. I'm sick of low self esteem and misery.
Maybe the things people are saying are true:
"You'll never have a boyfriend" from a cousin
"Your outfit is ugly" from another relative
They're such stupid insignificant comments yet they bring me down hard and fast.
I'm done with not understanding the way my brain works. Why does it only allow me 3 days happiness before it tugs that feeling away from me only to replace it with insecure, negative views on what i previously saw as a promising situation? Why is it that I rely so heavily on other people's interest in me and my company to feel like I'm worth anything at all?

I have no life. No love. No ambition. All I feel like doing lately is curling into a ball and sleeping until I'm no longer able to feel. All i want is to be held; to be noticed. But that's a big request of anybody on account people are too busy living their lives and taking care of themselves.
I miss the days when I knew who I could call to talk, who would listen and not rage at me for feeling so pessimistic. I wish I could recreate innocence and childhood dreams because mine are long gone and I'm bewildered as to what to hope for anymore.

1 fat astronauts