If only in the natural order of things, you found love through classifieds. None of these chance meetings or gradual strengthening of emotions; instead, everybody found a lover through an ad in the sheets of a newspaper. These thoughts come from a mind-frame of loneliness.

If life were easy, we'd all have the guts to speak to the people we'd want to speak to. And if life were fair, that person would want to speak to us as well. But life isn't fair or easy, hey. I'm having serious issues in reference to my faith in people at the moment. Currently undergoing severe self esteem failure probably doesn't make this any better. When I'm struggling to accept myself and feeling that I'm fairly hideous, and with people being the rude, arrogant, selfish beings that they are, I guess it is somewhat understandable as to why my faith in humanity is dwindling again. Continuous confrontations with needlessly angry people, unnecessary rudeness in shopping centres and batterings from superiors who use this superiority to make themselves content with their insecurities have my judgemental flaw a thousand times worse than how it usually flies. Ironically, if it weren't for being so damn judgemental, perhaps I'd be able to cope with peoples' downfalls a whole lot better instead of gaining disappointment in people all the time and wishing I had the pleasure of discovering kindness, beauty and happiness instead. I told Thomas Ell that I'm fighting to destroy this judgemental bug plaguing my brain but it's so fucking hard. Extremely fucking hard. Life is fucking hard. And so is finding your place. And so is understanding yourself. But then again I'm sure it's the same for everybody, so in that sense nobody is alone. It just feels like we are because nobody talks about it. And why could this be? Feeling like a death sentence, vulnerability is something nobody wants to display or see.

In this sick twisted world, I feel that if I dye my hair, lose weight and learn how to smile I'll be 100% happier than how I currently feel.