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I have this mild disgust within me that i continue to fight to completely flush out from my mind. It is directed at a collection of people, not an individual which is perhaps why I fail at removing it completely from my headspace.I suppose it also contributes relatively strongly to the cynic I am. The perception that these people have hurt others but then gone on to gain happiness and fortune kind of kills the whole Karma ideology. That said, I don't believe I deserve any better than these people. And I don't work to achieve any better than what they've got. I don't do anything for anybody. I don't go out of my way for anybody. Relatively speaking, I don't see anybody. I'm just this ugly recluse cased away from the world (a personal choice) because being out of range keeps me safe from drama and hate and anger. Three of the things that hurt the most.
Before this year I was never so blatantly judgemental of humanity. While I've never felt like I relate to most people, I just put it down to being a personality flaw in who I am. I much prefer being depressed over being so critical. Now I get so angry/disappointed/upset by unnecessary displays of behaviour from people that it affects my ability to be happy. Not only am I affected by the people I know and their opinions of me, I am affected by people in general.
And with all of this written down and extracted from my head, it's pretty fucking obvious it's about time I overcame this. Across the new year, I need to change my perspective, my mindframe.. I need a fresh beginning. Not the kind that forces me into throwing away the entire book but rather forcing me to edit the story and begin the next chapter so I can forget about the moodkilling, selfesteem ruining tragedy that was the first 5 months of 2009.
I'm tired of hiding from people for fear of history repeating, feeling like shit because of the actions of people in their most pathetic moments and lastly, I'm tired of hating my existence (if that's even an appropriate title) and being pushed back against a wall by negativity that I see, hear and think every single day.
Besides all this and in conclusion, I wish my brain didn't freeze up due to being so terrified that somebody new won't accept me as I am. Life, hey? Flaws, hey? Sometimes they'll get you far and othertimes they'll be at your feet like a bear trap.
0 fat astronauts