Tonight I watched the most depressing film I have ever seen. Stunning and flawed yet kind of unexpected in comparison to every other Charlie Kaufman film I've had the pleasure of viewing. Synecdoche New York is definitely nothing other than a film created to illustrate the tragedy, disappointments and failures that life includes. Never have I been so close to sobbing during a film before. I'm so glad I chose to watch it in a 'meh' mood rather than a self pitying low one.

I had a better than boring weekend for the first time in quite a while. The heat turns me into even more of a sloth than normal so apart from draping my limbs across a couch under a fan trying to keep cool, I also had Rhi over Saturday night. We decided to rent some films (Adventureland, Better Off Dead and Fast Times at Ridgemont High) and spent the night watching 2 of the 3 before crashing at around 1am. I'd completely forgotten how much I adore and miss movie nights with friends. I think the last time I had one was towards the end of 2008, if not really early 2009. I guess I mainly just miss sober activity with people I love considering the number dwindles lower with each passing month and each changing life. It's so goddamn hard to change things and to hold on to time.

My poor self image remains still. So very frustrating. I continue to frown at my mirror. I'm so sick of the person I see. So lifeless. So plain. I'm beyond even believing that a hair colour/style change will fix the way I perceive myself. I tire of reading horoscopes advising me of promising horizons, yet I can't find a way to pave my way to such promised horizons. The most recent bets that January 15th holds great wishing power for me, hence I should make a wish at 6pm to have a reasonable wish come true. It also proposes me to be optimistic as otherwise I bind myself to the harshness of reality instead of just looking past it. Thankyou, logic. I can't get a new job. I can't get inspired for the future. I can't even decide where I want to be in the future. Things were so much less complicated when you were a kid.
I found this before about what happens when you grow up and it's brutal and completely utterly devestating but it's also honest and perfect: