Who are we? And what is our purpose? I hate philosophy so goddamn much but I'm constantly plagued by this question. It's one of the questions that's impossible to answer for the mass, however I think it's possible to figure out the answer for the individual. I, however, continue to flounder and spazz about.. incapable of figuring out what the hell I'm even here to do.

I think it takes a sound mind and complete confidence to understand your self and life and I honestly can't see myself ever reaching a stage in my life where I can focus on my thoughts alone without others pillaging and manipulating how i think. That said, the kind of person I admire more than anybody in the world is a person who couldn't give a fuck about the petty dismal opinions of everybody else. I'd love to be so strong as to support my own beliefs even while bombarded with oppositional opinions. I can't be the kind of person I admire. Technically my life most of the time revolves around me making a decision and then being forced into rethinking it because somebody tells me I shouldn't be doing it or saying it or thinking it. Or it's even rethought because of history or social expectations.

Which brings me to the ideology that we're not meant to know or like or accept what we believe, because there is something or somebody somewhere that says the opposite. Opinions and expectations are just thrown about everywhere, clashing and contradicting everything that ever were to exist. I guess through this it's understandable why I can't accept myself and my thoughts. Nothing I think is ever going to be completely accepted or liked, and this is just inside my head. I'm not even going to start thinking about how unaccepted or disliked my thoughts and actions would be with the rest of the world.

If I could make a destiny-style decision about the rest of my life, I'd want it to be lived so that my memories can be like the memories enscribed in lyrics. In particular the spontaneous memories that seem to end up as the most adored and cherished. And I also just don't want to care to the extent that I miss out on things out of fear.

[How could this go so very wrong that I depend on darkness?]