This is my current perception. Recently I get more happiness from my outsider perspective of other peoples lives.
I smile for the happy scatterings of friends I see when I'm on a train/bus/tram.
I smile for the people who always have somewhere to be and someone to love them and their company.
I smile for the happy people I see in photographs.
I used to have the happiness I believe to see in the photographs of other people yet these days I feel like that shared happiness, that 'social' happiness if you will, is completely obliterated from my life. And the most upsetting thing is I don't feel I will ever have it back. With my levels of confidence and my abilities to relate to other people unless i am intoxicated, my chances are slim. Things don't seem to change for me but at the same time, that's such a stupid thing to say because I don't go out of my way to get my life where I want it to be. I'm too scared.
Of rejection. Of failure. Of judgment.
And where does one ever get in life if they are incapable of takings the downs with the ups? It's just so goddamn hard to get the backbone and the confidence to fly again.